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如此不堪的我只能生活在面具下

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一直都被别人说温柔贴心好脾气,其实只有自己知道自己是如何的不堪,数次得忍耐不是好脾气而是已经习惯,对女生的温柔不是体贴只是知道越是体贴越能让别人记不起你。每次聚会不是不想去而是怕在人潮涌动中感受不到自己,我喜欢窄小的屋子,充实的摆设,漆黑的夜晚,不是我不喜欢阳光,只是在漆黑的角落里才能感到自己的存在,在别人眼中交友域如此广泛的我,在害怕在难过的时候,拿起电话不知道该打给谁,在别人眼中自己一直是坚强乐观,因为我掩饰的很好,仅有的几个看的懂我的人却因为自己害怕被看透坚决否认,不是别人看不出,自己骗自己罢了,自己的悲伤自己独自承受,没有资格也没有必要让关心自己的朋友为自己分担,有人说我花心,有人说我会骗感情,只有我自己知道,每次故意接近女孩只是为了和那些陌生的人聊天,然后继续做陌生人,我一直以为我和别人是平行线,永远不会交心。因为我总是随着时间的交替转变,我不想有人了解我,有人懂我。

看到周围的人慢慢的转变,工作的工作,打拼的打拼,享受甜蜜的享受。才发现自己已经20岁了,不是曾经的18岁,18岁,自己可以懵懂无知的过着,可以交替自己的面具活着,20岁,本该面带笑容的去追寻自己的梦想的年龄,自己却还活在自己的悲伤当中,看到人群还会忘记自己的存在,漆黑的夜里,还是自己独自品味悲伤,直到现在才发现,其实我没有什么回忆可以去回忆了,只能洒满一地的碎片记录自己的点点滴滴。

曾经记得自己说过一句话,其实我想的比你们都多,记得当时寝室的人都笑我,因为我在他们眼中只是个玩世不恭的可怜人,当时我没有解释,因为他们不会懂,我的悲伤不是因为经历而悲伤,而是因为比别人思考的问题都要多的多,也不是因为经历用悲观的眼神去看这个世界,只是这个世界有太多的无奈。更不是我自己刻意去营造哀愁悲伤,只是愁绪慢慢积累在自己的心里,直到开始显露出来,让自己不经意的去想起,不得不带上面具去生活。

我想快乐的生活,可是却经常惆怅,我是一个感性的人,却只懂得忧伤,一条野狗死在我面前会让我情绪波涛汹涌,可是一个人死里逃生却不一定能引起我一点一滴的情绪。

今天这个夜晚我把一切都留给文字,我感觉到自己周围的空气太过压抑,让文字纾解自己,可以让我心里有一片纯净的天空,不在黑暗,不在悲伤。

我要努力的去生活,真正的快乐却不是面具上的快乐,尽管我知道如果有一天晚上我不再悲伤,那我也不再是我了,尽管如此,我还是想去人群当中,还是想在阳光下感受这个世界,也许我早就习惯了陪伴自己多年的悲伤,可是,一如既往也不能改变这个事实,所以我要去接受,而不是像以前一样去承受,这个世界也不全是肮脏,在这个勾心斗角的世界中,只要自己心里有一片宁静的天空就可以了。。。。。
                                                               
                                                       
                                               
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